August 4th, 2021

 Journalling day 1

I've had a good morning so far. Two days ago, I finally let out so many things that have consumed my thought and turned me into a sullen little wretch (excuse the language, I am currently reading Wuthering Heights). I have experienced an insane amount of anxiety and fear over what might come in the future. I worry too much. On one hand, I love it here because there is orgasmic good food and substantial family support that I wouldn't be able to find in Bristol. On the other hand, the U.K. offers growth, independence, and room for self improvement. I do consider myself a highly sensitive person: I tend to feel guilty over the slightest change in mood I notice in those around me. I have this irrational thought that I take too much and never give; and so I've fed and developed this overtly sensitive part of me. You see, when I was younger than 10, I had this impression of myself as someone who does not wish well for others, as someone who does not want happiness for anyone but herself. This has lead to a lot of self reflection, and a lot of self doubt over who I was as a person. I've therefore developed this mindset that  I needed to compensate for my ill-wishing nature by caring too much for others. I also have this toxic habit of comparing my achievements with others. I get jealous of those who have an A* internship; insanely jealous, even though I do have my own projects and notable achievements despite not having an A* internship myself. It is stupid to be tough on yourself when you have gone so far in life despite not even reaching the ripe adult age of 20. So far, I have successfully navigated another country, culture, education system, and lifestyle. Just before turning 18, I was still worried about not sleeping in my own house and bed. I've come a long way, made loads of friends, tried new food, and experienced painful heartbreak. I've developed thicker crust and yet managed to make my heart more lenient and open for new faces.  There is strength in loving and being loved. There is strength in giving and caring. There is empowerment in loving your self, your womanhood, your humanness. I cannot deny that it is easier said than done. I cannot deny that I do get bursts of anxiety when my thoughts spiral out of control and I overthink the littlest things, from conversations to phrases, from images to stories, from times of the day to silence. I've come to an epiphany. Life is but a comedy, and you are irrelevant and so all your problems become infinitesimal. Make the most of everything, and enjoy the rollercoaster ride because time is moving fast and experiences are only temporary, and thus so are your worries. I love somethings about myself that others do not possess. I am the only Arab woman in my year and uni doing economics (Hopefully neither the first nor last). I am bilingual and have an interest in learning Spanish and French. I am currently teaching myself machine learning. I play the piano. I have a desire to grow. I have dreams and aspirations. I have been working out for the past 2-3 weeks and have developed a healthier relationship with my body.